I’ve never had a case of Idonthaveaderbyhorseitis before so I didn’t recognize the symptoms at first. Prior to every Derby, I have always had a clear favorite, such as Smarty Jones, Afleet Alex, Bandini, Curlin, and so forth. I happily spent time browsing through articles and blogs and message boards, becoming more confident of the bandwagon I was on. Early wagering on Friday night was normal behavior. I knew what horse I liked and why, and money was easily wagered, my selections seldom dissuaded by any individual. However, this infirmity, Idonthaveaderbyhorseitis, makes the Derby selection murky and confusing; all the variables, such as dirt, polytrack, turf, quarter cracks in hooves, speed figures, pedigree, fog, tricky trainers, and Monba, makes my clear-cut Derby favorite difficult to discern.
Oh, I’ve scoured the web, searching for a cure or some exotic treatment for Idonthaveaderbyhorseitis. I was positive that one of the 13,244 Derby articles written by Steve Haskin would have a cure. Or surely the Downey Profile should provide some relief to this vexing disorder, since it consists of numerous speed figures, time fractions, E1/E2/Mach5 numbers that are so impressive that NASA is planning to incorporate it into the Shuttle Program. And, of course, all the multitude of horse racing blogs – all devoted to the Kentucky Derby and Triple Crown – should hold the key to the ailment’s antidote. But alas, I still have distress.
I’ve investigated alternative therapies for Idonthaveaderbyhorseitis. The Magic Beer Bottle. The Magic Hot Sauce Bottle. The Neighbor Who Visited a Clairvoyant in Las Vegas Last Week. I even made my daughter, Alice, a grilled cheese sandwich last night, in hopes that an image of Gayego might appear as a sign. I also phoned loved ones, thinking they would have a regimen for the affliction,
Brother in Idaho: I really liked War Pass but of course he’s out …
Me: So what are your plans?
Brother in Idaho: Go over to the Wicked Spud and have a couple of beers.
Apparently, my brother in Idaho is suffering from a milder version of Idonthaveaderbyhorseitis, but he’s clearly in therapy.
So I sought out my other brother, the older and sometimes wiser brother who lives outside of Boston,
Me: I’m in terrible pain. There’s not a horse in the Derby that I really like. Can you help?
Older And Sometimes Wiser Brother: Derby? Can’t help you but my friend Paul Steinhauer emailed me some new Jewish Haiku. Quite funny, especially if you read them with a Yiddish accent,
- Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
is an internist.
So now I’m exploring a few home remedies that may provide a little relief. Some may be beneficial while others merely nonsense. I can opt to be a homer; local resident and latest trainer with a bobblehead, Steve Asmussen, has two horses starting in the Derby, Pyro and Z Fortune. I could elect to wager on horses that have my favorite jockeys, such as Robby Albarado (Z Fortune) and Edgar Prado (Adriano). I could also gravitate to the Feminine/Distaff choice, and go with the filly, Eight Belles. Or I can toss a few bucks on a couple longshots and hope for the second coming of Giacomo.
Clearly, I’m running out of time to find a cure for Idonthaveaderbyhorseitis. Let’s hope I find the remedy, STAT.