Last night I met my favorite writer in the whole wide world, Dave Barry. He has a new book, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far), so he was in Fort Worth to launch his book tour.
I love Dave Barry and I take great strides to emulate his writing style, which is a fancy word for imitate, or copy, or borrow heavily, or rip-off. And as it turns out, we have many things in common. He is a humor writer. I aspire to be a humor writer. He has written a column about horse racing. I write a blog about horse racing. He has a daughter named Sophie. I have a daughter named Sophie.
Although we share many commonalities, there are also a variety of differences, such as he has won a Pulitzer Prize and I have not. He has a sewage-lifting station in North Dakota named after him and I do not, nor have I even been to North Dakota. Millions of people worldwide read his books. A half-dozen bored souls surfing the internet during their lunch hour glance at my blog.
When I met Dave Barry (read: got shuffled through the line for his book signing), he did take time to shake my hand - the same hand that shook Calvin Borel's hand that shook the Queen's hand. Ergo, if Dave Barry had never personally met the Queen Elizabeth II, he did, in some small, cosmic, 14-degrees-of-separation way, have an encounter with the Queen. And Street Sense. An impressive combination. And to think that I served as his conduit.
Anyway, I had hoped to ask him a few questions but there was precious little time to interview him while he signed my copy of Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far), as well as my daughter's Disney World Official Autograph book, which by the way, I told him to sign it by Mulan but he signed it by Pooh instead. But if I had actually had the opportunity to conduct an interview, I'm sure that it would have gone something like this:
Me: As you may or may not be aware, Patrick Biancone's veterinarian, Dr. Rodney Stewart, received a 5-year ban by the Kentucky racing stewards for variety of violations including possession of cobra venom, levodopa, carbidopa, and some mysterious potion labeled "For Mythical Elmo Only". Do you think that this 5-year ban is a sufficient?
Dave Barry: No. He should also be subjected to a prostate exam.
Me: As you have probably heard, Frank Stronach recently announced his plan to eliminate Magna Entertainment's $750 million debt. What do you think of Frank Stronach and his debt elimination plan?
Dave Barry: He should have a prostate exam, too.
Me: And finally, I have a friend who has a fascination with headless Barbies. And it would not surprise me that if he should ever own a racehorse, he would, in fact, name his horse "Headless Barbie". Does your daughter have any headless Barbies?
Dave Barry: No, she has naked Barbies. And I also think that "Naked Barbie" is a good name for a racehorse as well.